Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Coping With Grief and Depression


Coping with Grief and Depression

Have you ever pictured a certain song playing as you walk down the street?  No?  I do on occasion and this time it is one of my tools for dealing with grief and depression.  Some may have noticed a lack in blogging from me over the last couple of months and unfortunately it's the result of another miscarriage.  



For those counting that makes five miscarriages over the last six years and no healthy, full term pregnancies.  The difference between this last one and the other four is that I had actually made it to a point in pregnancy where I could see my baby and his or her heartbeat not only once but twice.  This last one was by far the most traumatic and left the most questions.

To give you a brief history:  I've only gotten pregnant once on my own, two times on Clomid, once after a fresh Invitro cycle and then this last time after a frozen transfer.  Until this last time my RE thought that perhaps I just needed a little extra help creating the perfect home for a healthy pregnancy.  We achieved that with this frozen transfer.  I had the best embryos transferred, my hormone levels were perfect, I was being closely monitored, my Beta HCG tests came back above average, and the first two times I saw my little baby the heartbeat was very strong.  So what happened?  We don't know but my RE and I agree that there is definitely something wrong with my body that does not allow me to carry a pregnancy.  I've had most of the tests that are available and all have come back "normal."  That means there is a very good chance I will never be able to have my own kids, for unknown reasons.  Try swallowing that pill.


One of the things I've learned about coping with grief and depression is that it is as varied as the circumstances around it.  I've had five miscarriages and all five have been five very different experiences. The emotions are different.  What I have needed has been different and how I have handled them has been different.

This time I have about a million and one questions and not a single one answered.  While I don't feel like I've fallen victim of depression as I have in the past I feel like I am always one step away of being swallowed up in grief, even now.

The tears are ever present and I go to bed each night and wake up each morning wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do.  How am I supposed to grieve this kind of a loss?

The answer:  I don't know.  It's hard to keep moving forward with no direction so I make it up as I go.

*Enter Theme Song*

One of my beliefs is that people live up to the bar we give them, including the bar we set for ourselves.  The truth is that I don't feel very strong but the only choice I have it to keep going, somehow.  Thus for the last few weeks I try picturing people singing the chorus of Gym Class Heroes song, "The Fighter," as I walk by.  Cheesy?  Perhaps but I want to be a fighter, it's what I need to be and maybe someday I will reach that status.


To help set this bar for myself and to give me something to do I thought I would make something with this theme in mind.  I called up my friend who is dealing with grief and depression herself over her miscarriage and asked her if she wanted to make "Fighter" t-shirts.  Again, cheezy?  Perhaps but there are no rules when it comes to coping with a loss.

I ordered some glitter black heat transfer from Silhouette and grabbed my favorite v-neck t-shirt from Target.  We decided to try and make them look more designer like and less like a high school sports shirt.  We started by placing a damask on the front but to the side.  Then we place the words, "There goes a Fighter," strategically on the back.  I love how they turn out.  To me they don't read, "This girl is drowning in grief," but "Hey that's a cool shirt, I bet that girl has a story."


Now as I walk past, people will be singing, even is it's just in my head:

Give me scar, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes a fighter, there goes a fighter
Here comes a fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me
Say to me, this one's a fighter.


And someday I will feel like the fighter I want to be.  Sometimes my life sounds and feels like one tragedy  after another but I have to believe that there's more to it than than that.

My new mantra:  When we choose to fight, we choose to live.  (No matter what battle we face.)

What is your theme song?  How do you cope with the hard times?

38 comments:

  1. Wow! What a powerful post! I've dealt with fertility issues myself so I understand how it feels to want to have a baby so bad you can taste it. And as a teacher at an elementary school, it was always troubling to me when I'd see parents who had no right being a parent. I'd think, "why God?".

    I've never had a miscarriage but can't imagine going through that kind of pain. Just know that you are not alone and that this post might be something a ton of women can relate to and help.

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    1. Thanks Erin. Fertility issues are no fun at all! I think I would have a hard time as an Elementary teacher, props to you. It looks like you have a little girl now? She's cute!

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    2. Hello, Sarah;
      My wife had 9 miscarrys and we decided tostop trying so we would not endanger her healt. We have enough off-spring from our brothers and sisters to spoil them and not have to suffer the awful results. Let their parents correct what we have done.

      Coming to grips with the fact that we would not have any chldren of our own, our love for each other grew stronger and has held us together for close to 32 years. I have a son by another woman, but he has never met me and as far as I know, he does not know about me. I gave up all rights to him a few days after he was born, as his Mother had found someone else to marry and he wanted to adopt him and raise him as his own. I have no regrets about doing this. A child has only one Mother, but several Dad's may pass through his life. If her new love wanted to raise him as his own, then they had my blessings.

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  2. Sarah, you are a fighter! I love your t-shirt, what a great way to combat the struggles your are experiencing. This post was very powerful. I had one miscarriage, my first and it was so heartbreaking. So many emotions to deal with. I can only imagine what you are going through. Hang in there and continue fighting! ;)

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  3. Oh Sarah this is such a beautiful post. I love your spirit and the T-shirts are fabulous! As for my theme song, well it changes daily :O) Huge hug to you and thank you for having the courage to share your story. You are indeed an inspiring fighter!

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  4. Your post brought to mind the song, The Boxer. I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains.

    You are courageous and a fighter. I am sending prayers and hugs your way.

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  5. This is beautiful. I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. I've never had a baby so I can relate, but from a far distance and I try to wrap your experience around my own.

    I have a friend who couldn't carry to term. She thought she'd never be able to have kids. Today, she has four healthy boys and is Mother Earth. I feel like the world (and her body) was getting her ready for the perfect time.

    Your time will come too.

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  6. I'll be praying for you to keep fighting!

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  7. You definitely are a fighter. I can't imagine all you have been through. The shirt and your theme song are awesome. My them song right now is " Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson.

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  8. Sarah, I am so impressed by this post. You really opened up about your personal struggles and came out with a strong head on your shoulders. I'm always so impressed by your crafts and your spirit. I'm in full support of you!!! Love the shirt.

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  9. My theme song these days is an oldie ~ I get knocked down, but I get up again. I am so sorry for your loss and it takes a brave heart to get up and fight and keep moving, especially with this kind of heart break. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

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  10. This is a beautiful post, Sarah. Your t-shirt (and song) says so much about you... and I love it. I'm sorry about the miscarriages. Keep the faith. xo

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  11. There are so many songs that run through my head, lol... love songs by Lady Antebellum! Sending prayers for you to beat your depression... I'm sure God has something lovely in the wings for you!

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  12. You are amazing! You have more strength than you even know. Just this post alone shows your strength. I have never had a miscarriage but have not been able to get pregnant (after my one and only child) for the last 10 years so I feel a version of your pain. It is so hard to hear about people being pregnant and having new babies. I can't really think of a song that runs through my head right now, but there are many, when I hear them, that hit real close to home. I hope and pray that one day soon, your dream of being a mom will become a reality. Don't give up and keep fighting on!!

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  13. I totally want a shirt like that! Love it, good work. And you are a fighter. I don't know really what to say other than I'm sorry. Love you!

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  14. I'm so proud of you. Being able to share your grief is a huge step to move forward through the pain. I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage, but I know what it like not to be able to give my daughter siblings. I do know what it's like to be overwhelmed with depression and anxiety. Hang on to God. He'll get you through. Know that you're loved and If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

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  15. Thank you for writing and sharing this wonderful post. I really needed to read this today. My grief is different today about something else, but one thing I need to remember is to keep fighting and not to give up. I'm very tired. Mine is not as great as yours.

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    1. I hope things get a little easier for your Michelle. Sometimes it takes everything we have not to give up. Grief is grief no matter what it is centered around.

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    2. Thanks for your post. Very relevant. Good luck to you.

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  16. great post Sarah...as a pastor, much of my time is invested in walking with people through grief, loss and depression...Americans don't know how to grieve...loss is a part of life, a part that no one wants, nonetheless it is inevitable...

    So often the first question I get asked by someone who has experienced a great loss or tragedy is, "Will it get better?" "Will I ever get healed from this?" Getting better and healing are not really the same thing...Will you get better? HHmm, I tend to say you will be different, that is not necessarily better or worse, but rather an realization that life is different now.

    There is a great book by Gerry Sittser I would truly suggest every human read called A Grace Disgused...here is a link to it: http://amzn.to/NmWZjW

    Here are a few thoughts from Gerry's book:

    This depth of sorrow is the sign of a healthy soul, not a sick soul. It does not have to be morbid and fatalistic. It is not something to escape but something to embrace. (p 73)

    Recovery is a misleading and empty expectation. We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. (p 73)

    I sometimes feel like I am a stranger to myself. I am not quite sure what to do with me. (p 81)

    Loss creates a new set of circumstances in which we must live. (p 85)

    Loss establishes a new context for life. (p 86)

    The tragedy pushed me toward God, even when I did not want Him. And in God I found grace, even when I was not looking for it. (p 90)

    I am praying with and for you :-)

    Monty

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  17. Good for you... you've dealt with a lot!

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  18. Sarah, I appreciate what you have written and I know exactly how you feel. My wife and I have been trying to have children over the past 15 years. We went through 3 miscarriages which resulted in the loss of 9 children. One the first try, we were expecting twin boys. Second try, we were expecting triplets. . .2 boys and 1 girl and the final try we were expecting quads. . .2 boys and 2 girls. Consequently, the last miscarriage triggered a form of leukemia in my wife known as "ALL". She was given 6 months to live and aggressive therapy began. I felt as though my whole life was falling in around me. Needless to say, that it was short of a miracle that she survived and the disease did not take her. 1 year later she was diagnosed another form of cancer and was only given 3 months to live. This was 12 years ago and she is still alive. Last year, we found out we were pregnant again. Unfortunately we lost him. Why do I say all this, to let "YOU" know that you truly are not alone! I not once ever questioned God as to "why"! I accepted it and knew that everything happened for a reason. I may not understand those reasons, but I am grateful for the experiences that I have had in my life that has strengthened not only myself as a man, but made me a better husband and companion to my wife. During those times in my life, the glass may have been "half empty", but to me it was always "half full!" My wife and I love each other so much that nothing in this life can separate us! Maybe that is what was intended. . .to give us the strength to endure all that life throws at us so that in the end we are better people because of it! God Bless you for your strength, endurance, faith and perseverance! I have a saying, "Man does not have the last say. . .God does!"

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    1. Thank-you so much Paul for sharing your story, it is really is helpful to know that I'm not alone and to look at people like you and your wife and think that if you had the strength to persevere so can I.

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  19. I am so sorry to learn of your losses.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriage is too often the "invisible" loss... people either don't know or don't understand how hard the loss can be.

    I am heartened to see that you are finding ways to move forward and to manage your grief.

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  20. I applaud your courage to share your journey - I do believe that it cleanses of our deepest pain when we do that. I salute your "wanting to give others a call for inspiration" to wake them out of that "nightmare" and suddenly realise that one does have a say in the dream or life you still want to live. I lived my life not really "loving" myself and left behind a path of self destruction and pain. I am glad I woke up - am glad that there are so many around me, who are doing the same and are helping others as well ! :-) Power to you !

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  21. I am so sorry for your loss. I loved the way you approached this topic. The t-shirts are so cute. I am a breast cancer survivor, so grief is an issue that I face a lot. The way I face grief is by turning to the Lord and getting my strength from Him.

    Blessings~
    Shari

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  22. Thanks Sarah for sharing these thoughts. Impressive

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  23. What an inspiring post. Thank you for sharing. I have been through my own hard times and your words hit home with me. I love your T-shirts. You sound like an amazing woman.

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  24. Be strong, be fighter! And watch "Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" on youtube :)http://youtu.be/jHPOzQzk9Qo

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  25. Good to see clothing designed to create awareness and uplift those with depression. Hope this is the beginning of a positive and productive journey.

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  26. So sorry to hear about your struggles with infertility. I can not imagine the pain you and your husband must be going through but I will pray for you both for comfort and strength.

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  27. Good one Sarah ,And yeah your T-shirt is nice ,love your outfit !!and love to share in all y networks!!

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  28. Sarah you are thoughtful and I really enjoyed reading your blog!!

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  29. Hope it all works out for you - fingers crossed and think positive, no matter how hard it seems :)

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  30. My daughter has 4th stage breast cancer - metasticized to her liver... now covered in cancer even though she has been on chemo - a heavy dose - for many months. Now she will need a 4th surgical proceedure to try to kill more of the cancer on her liver (which was cut in half by a surgery.) This time they are injecting chemo beads into her liver.
    First I cried, then I made things, cards, to try to cheer her. (She isn't 40 yet, and has kids in school who need their Mom.) Now I am tired of being upset. Now I want to be happy - so I smile, make jokes, make quilts and try for a normal life.
    I believe you are learning some lesson... something in your Karma that you needed to learn in this life. Acceptance of God's Design... that may be what my daughter is learning, too.

    But on the more positive side... doctors don't know everything. Babysit someone's baby. Keep back a dirty diaper... sounds gross I know. The wives from "old wives tales" used to say that was the way to get a baby. (My friend at work was married 8 years, and then they babysat their nephew - he was 13. She got pregnant just after he went home.) There is no science here. No guarantee.
    Hugs,

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  31. Oh Sarah I just read your post and am so sorry for your loss! You have a wonderful spirit and kudos to you for finding a positive way to cope with your loss. I love the T-shirt and you look sweet wearing it. Sending hugs and hoping life brings you rainbows and butterflies in the future!

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  32. You are in my prayers! I am so sorry and I know that you are a fighter!

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